The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Survival in Fionavar

by Mabry Slemmons.

Fionavar is a dangerous place. People die there at an astonishing rate. Here are a few tips to increase your chance of survival, and also decrease the number of dreadful things that happen to you:

    • Be serious, grim, and dour. Cheerful, light-hearted, witty people die. In fact the more seriously your take things, the better your chances of surviving or at least being resurrected.
    • Learn how to either fight or do something cool and magical. Dispensible people always die.
    • Trust the mercy of no one except the lios alfar and Dalrei. This especially applies to: people from Cathal, royalty, brigands, priestesses.
    • Do NOT say anything treacherous around Diar.
    • Moreover, don’t say anything treacherous around Aileron. No one’s tried it, because no one is stupid enough to try.
    • Going up into the mountains with only one or two companions may not seem like a good way to stay alive…but it works.
    • Never get in a fight with anyone dressed in white, even if he is evil. It is way too much for you to handle.
    • Previous statement stands for women dressed in white too.
    • Do not blow the cool looking horn you recently picked up. I mean it. It MAY just be a nice pretty-sounding hunting horn, but the odds are it is not.
    • Avoid creepy shadowy horsemen. Don’t ask why. Trust me.
    • Now is not a good time to decide you are into ecology and want to save the wolves.
    • Do not be musical. All the best singers die.
    • Be on the side of good. They will win, and while there is a small chance they will spare you if you are on the wrong side, take careful note of number 3. This does not apply if one of your parents is a god.
    • Do not mistake the dagger in Rakoth Maugrim’s hand for a sign that he is happy to see you.
    • Do not accept any challenges to single combat unless you are a dwarf. You may be good, but the other guy is also good, and he’s a lot bigger than you.
    • Never agree to be part of a medium sized party escorting someone from another world, unless Diarmuid is with you. Otherwise, you are doomed.
    • Do not under any circumstances be within twenty miles of the princess of Cathal when she is pissed off.
    • Be aware that avoiding her in this matter will not do any good. She’s disguised as one of the soldiers and is waiting for a chance to stab you.
    • Not only can svart alfar kill people, there is a fairly good chance they might kill you no matter how puny they are if you do not abide by rule 2.

Note: The Hitchhiker’s Guide does not claim that by following these guidelines you can ensure that no harm befalls you or even your survival. They will however improve your chances.


This entry was posted in Fun Stuff. Bookmark the permalink.

Comments are closed.