by Mabry Slemmons.
Fionavar is a dangerous place. People die there at an astonishing rate. Here are a few tips to increase your chance of survival, and also decrease the number of dreadful things that happen to you:
- Be serious, grim, and dour. Cheerful, light-hearted, witty people die. In fact the more seriously your take things, the better your chances of surviving or at least being resurrected.
- Learn how to either fight or do something cool and magical. Dispensible people always die.
- Trust the mercy of no one except the lios alfar and Dalrei. This especially applies to: people from Cathal, royalty, brigands, priestesses.
- Do NOT say anything treacherous around Diar.
- Moreover, don’t say anything treacherous around Aileron. No one’s tried it, because no one is stupid enough to try.
- Going up into the mountains with only one or two companions may not seem like a good way to stay alive…but it works.
- Never get in a fight with anyone dressed in white, even if he is evil. It is way too much for you to handle.
- Previous statement stands for women dressed in white too.
- Do not blow the cool looking horn you recently picked up. I mean it. It MAY just be a nice pretty-sounding hunting horn, but the odds are it is not.
- Avoid creepy shadowy horsemen. Don’t ask why. Trust me.
- Now is not a good time to decide you are into ecology and want to save the wolves.
- Do not be musical. All the best singers die.
- Be on the side of good. They will win, and while there is a small chance they will spare you if you are on the wrong side, take careful note of number 3. This does not apply if one of your parents is a god.
- Do not mistake the dagger in Rakoth Maugrim’s hand for a sign that he is happy to see you.
- Do not accept any challenges to single combat unless you are a dwarf. You may be good, but the other guy is also good, and he’s a lot bigger than you.
- Never agree to be part of a medium sized party escorting someone from another world, unless Diarmuid is with you. Otherwise, you are doomed.
- Do not under any circumstances be within twenty miles of the princess of Cathal when she is pissed off.
- Be aware that avoiding her in this matter will not do any good. She’s disguised as one of the soldiers and is waiting for a chance to stab you.
- Not only can svart alfar kill people, there is a fairly good chance they might kill you no matter how puny they are if you do not abide by rule 2.
Note: The Hitchhiker’s Guide does not claim that by following these guidelines you can ensure that no harm befalls you or even your survival. They will however improve your chances.